Tuesday October 24th

Day 124, Session 47:
Location: The train, the desk, the first hour at work
First song: Change In Speak by De La Soul
Last full song: Chinese Baby by Clem Snide
Progress: 614-632 of 4508
Total Songs Heard: 546

Two different versions of Chicago by Sufjan Stevens was the big song of the day. Normally having two versions of the same song on the same cd would seem like a waste of time to me. Not in this case. The two songs are different enough that it's justified. Chicago...

I've been in Chicago for 5 and a half years now. I did not arrive in Chicago under the best of circumstances. I had been fired from a job I loved. I had been unemployed for 4 months. Chicago wasn't really on my radar of places to go next except for that one minor point... it's where the girl was. I spent 4 more months unemployed once I moved here, so while I was free for an entire summer in a great city, I was also broke which meant not a whole lot of actually being able to do anything. And nothing I did! I had a standing date with the television every day for 4 or 5 hours.

I tried to jump into the improv scene in town, but I found a few problems... 1) I had never done any improv before and there was no improv at UD so 2) I wasn't very good and 3) I wasn't very good at meeting new people. So while the folks I was in class with either had A) preexisting bonds from past improv experience or college, or B) were able to mesh by being good on stage together or at the very least C) had basic people skills, I didn't have any of those things. It left me feeling like an outsider among the group I was with. The only thing better than being an outsider among people you're hanging out with semi-regularly is paying (a lot) for the privilege (when you're already kind of broke.)

(I should note here for the record that as far as I remember, no one actively rejected me or anything. I just wasn't able to make it work. It's possible that people actually didn't like me, but no one ever said so to my face.)

To recap for the first few months in town I had no job, no new real friends and an expensive new hobby that I wasn't very good at.

Eventually I did get a job (which kind of sucked) and then another job (which didn't suck at first, but eventually, unless you're doing something you really love, all jobs suck.) Eventually I made some new friends, but still no one all that close. (Which raises the question of whether it's even possible to make new friends after a certain age.) Eventually I even became not terrible at the whole improv/theater thing. Luckily, the whole reason for moving here (the girl) worked out in the end.

But still... looking back, I'm pretty sure I still haven't gotten over the way I arrived and the first year in this city.

I'm not sure Chicago and I will ever feel good about each other, but now I'm stuck here. Married home owners can not just up and leave any time they feel like it.

So maybe Chicago and I need to reevaluate our relationship. Maybe it's time to (finally) move past the rough start.

I made a lot of mistakes in my mind, in my mind